What to do when coworkers talk shit about you
Behind your back or to your face, it doesn’t matter – gossip, rumor mills, talking shit, and rudeness are the worst.
If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?
That is, if it’s happening behind your back, does that make it any better?
Honestly to me, it’s worse. Because I’ve seen firsthand the impacts of finding out about it later, seeing it in a Slack channel, realizing who else is chiming in and what they’re saying – it can be disorienting.
Think people are talking about you? Search Slack for your name
Most people are clumsy with Slack or Teams permissions, and a lot of people find out they’re the brunt of the office joke this way. One simple search of your name might turn up things you don’t want to find… Including notes about you during your interview process, gulp.
Once you find that clique’s random chat they forgot to turn private, you get to read every receipt in explicit detail, with date and time stamps to really drive home the timeline. It’s awful, it’s the worst, and you should absolutely immediately make a copy, download the transcript, screenshot everything, and save those files in a non-work location like a personal Gdrive.
If you’ve read my other pieces about documentation, you know that in instances where you think you’re being mistreated, you should keep a log, with receipts, of everything that happens day to day, as if recordkeeping. You’ll be glad you did if you ever lose access to work files and want legal counsel.
Search Gdocs too
It’s wild what you can find in your company’s Gdrive with a simple search. Contracts, severances, competing proposals, you name it. Go ahead and snoop, but use your ethics to stop short of violating your contract.
I’ve never brought files with me to a new job, ever. I just won’t burn a bridge and violate trust like that, and I don’t recommend you do either.
Is the problem them… or me?
Try to remember that no matter what you’re going through, no matter how much of a work in progress you are, you deserve respectful feedback and no one deserves to be gossiped about.
Words have hurt me my whole life, but I often have also wondered… is it me?
I know I interrupt too much sometimes and I can go on a tangent. I try not to take things personally but I can get frustrated when I feel I’m not “being understood”. I’ve worked on those things over the years to the point where I know I’m not always perfect in those areas but I am more self aware and in control of my emotions than I’ve ever been.
So if you’re on the self improvement track and working on your empathy and communication earnestly, try to remind yourself that this is about them, not you.
Jealousy is unfortunately a thing and it happens at work. Maybe they’re envious because you got your budget and they didn’t, or they’re insecure for a different reason, or they’re trying to get through a divorce, or they’re a bully because that’s who they are. It sucks to get bullied at work especially if it brings in other people and impacts your health and ability to do your job.
What to do when you find out
Take screenshots of everything, download transcripts if you can, and store these files in a non-work location like your personal Gdrive folder.
Notify your manager via email and copy HR, provide a link to the chat room or screenshots of the DMs, and ask them how to proceed. Copying HR ensures you get the immediate transparency and involvement of a 3rd party and not just your manager. Especially if the offending people are not on your team, this is bigger than your manager.
Wait for instructions and when you get them or if you don’t hear back by the next morning, follow up via email and ask for a meeting – don’t wait for your 1:1 with your manager. Ask them if you can meet now to address this issue.
DON’T get wild and enter the chat and start replying, don’t DM anyone from the chat, and don’t tell any of your peers. Keep this between you, your manager, and HR, until you have clear and fair next steps.
What to do when it happens to your face
Calmly and clearly state the truth, and end with a period. Don’t keep talking, don’t throw insults back, and try to keep your calm by remembering this is about them and not you, and their words cannot impact you.
Keep a level head and non-emotional response. Document the incident and let your manager know, and make sure that’s documented too (so do it in your 1:1 but make sure you take notes that you can both access).
Keep a straight face and try to respond with the truth and that’s it – friendly, calmly, directly, and firmly. If it continues, simply say, “I don’t feel comfortable continuing this conversation” and hang up. Contact HR and your manager.
