Communication tips and tactics for remote managers: How to say it clearly + kindly
If you are in a position of authority, you need to understand that your employees will take your feedback seriously, and they will remember your negative feedback 10x more than your positive feedback. So adjust your ratios accordingly and here’s how.
Respond, don’t react
Before responding to an email or Slack message, take a moment to pause and gather your thoughts. It doesn’t have to be 24 hours like some people say. It just needs to be long enough for your brain to shift from reactive to responsive. Take a deep breath and take the emotion out of it. Your employees are expecting you to keep your shit together.
This gives you time to ensure you're conveying the right message and prevents any misunderstandings. And if you're on a live call and something catches you off guard or disappoints you, don't feel like you have to respond immediately. Try saying something like, "I'm not entirely sure about that" or "I need some time to think this through" to give yourself a little space. That way, you can respond thoughtfully without feeling like you're stuck in a corner.
Don’t use “We”
It’s passive-aggressive to say “Can we just fix this” or use “we” in any scenario when you really mean, “you”. Use “I” and “You” and people’s names when referring to responsibilities.
“Just to be clear, Jorge is in charge of XYZ while Samantha will do ABC by March 10.”
Anything else is just begging for them to say, “Sorry I wasn’t sure who was supposed to do this!”
Do use “Just to be clear”
Kelly knows my favorite phrase is “just to be clear,” and sometimes I even say the “comma” part. There is no excuse for confusion around roles and responsibilities, especially if you’re using a RASCI type formula, project manager like Monday.com, or documentation system like Notion.
Summarize project planning sessions or a complicated decision by saying “just to be clear, we are deciding to do XYZ because of ABC. We understand the risks are 123 but the opportunity could be 345 so we think it’s worth it. Laurel will do X (propose kpis) and Jorge will do Y (create the project plan) by the next meeting, and both will provide 1 report on Z.” Cameras on, see the nods.
“I didn’t know I was supposed to do this” does not need to be a thing in your department!
Be positive
You should strive to frame things as opportunities and to be conscious of their strengths. Framing it as feedback to improve a weakness implies there’s some kind of negative from the baseline. Treat the current situation as the baseline always, and incrementally move it up by offering new opportunities for growth.
Consider instead, “I’m so excited to work on XYZ with you because it will open up more opportunities for ABC which I know is in your career vision.”
“Because I said so” is not a valid reason for any kind of instruction.
Welcoming feedback
As a manager or leader, it can be frustrating when you feel like your team isn't communicating with you honestly. No matter how nice or approachable you are, people will not want to share negative feedback directly with you. Don’t let this stop you from taking steps to create a more open and honest dialogue with your team.
The Sacred Pause
This is written on a note on my monitor.
Pause a lot: Before responding, when talking, and when screen sharing. Give your employee a side door to enter into the conversation. It also gives your team members a chance to think about what they want to say and to formulate their thoughts. Show them that you're actively listening to what they're saying and that you value their input.
Look them in the eye, nod, and validate them by not sayin anything at all.
Ask “Are you okay”?
When you’re unsure why someone took a strange action that doesn’t seem like them, it's best to be direct and ask them point-blank if there’s something wrong. Give them as much space in your 1 on 1 to let them feel heard and validated. People are often more honest when asked a direct question rather than a more general one that leaves room for interpretation.
Address their issues
If they do share negative feedback with you, it's important to respond in a way that shows that you care about their concerns. Let them know that you want them to be happy and ask them to tell you more.
If they're hesitant to open up to you, ask if there's someone else that they'd feel more comfortable speaking with, such as an HR representative or another leader in the organization.
Pursue a solution to their issue so you are not ignoring their needs.
Ask open-ended questions
Finally, during team meetings or one-on-one conversations, make a conscious effort to ask questions that empower your team members to contribute ideas and be responsible for the project strategy or status.
For example, instead of telling them what to do, ask them how they would like to handle a particular situation. This not only encourages your team members to take ownership of their work, but it also shows that you value their expertise and insights.
Get to know them
Establish psychological safety by building a personal connection with your team members. If you know that someone is passionate about a particular hobby or interest, take the time to ask about it when you have the chance. Not only does this show that you're interested in them as a person, but it can also help to break down some of the barriers that might be preventing them from sharing feedback with you.
Integrate feedback
Weave feedback in to each project and agenda item, rather than making “criticism” an agenda item on its own. If you switch this up and use leading questions instead, the employee will walk themselves into improving their own work.
People are mean but you are the boss
Employees may say things that are hurtful sometimes. I’ve been directly and indirectly insulted more times than I can remember. You don’t need to react. Just say, “Thank you for that feedback.”
It’s not fair that they treat you like a mom, babysitter or therapist, but know that all you need to do is acknowledge the feedback and make them feel heard. You should not react to them when they do beyond saying, “Thank you for telling me that. I know that was hard to share.”
Sometimes our initial reaction as humans is to try to share our reasoning for our approach, and that can come across as being defensive and needing to be right. Silence and validation shows you’re listening, and you don’t have to disagree right there in the moment.
Enjoy being wrong
The “need to be right” will absolutely kill your relationships. Learn to love being wrong and seek out theories you can test where data shows information without labeling it right or wrong, pass or fail. Treat everything as neutral information so emotional reactivity becomes less and less over time.
Don’t be punitive
Understand that everyone makes mistakes, and it doesn’t make sense to discipline employees for minor ones. While it’s okay to ask an employee to update something that needs correction, it’s not okay to make them redo a training they should obviously know, or take away opportunities.
Small things, such as hard-to-spot typos or subjective design direction, are part of the learning process, and are opportunities for growth and improvement.
| Example word to avoid | Example | Consider replacing with... | Why |
|---|---|---|---|
| "Just" | I just thought it would be done by now. | Is there a roadblock I can help with? Or, do you have a suggestion for how we could improve this process? | The word “just” is very loaded and can make anything sound passive aggressive - even if that is not the intention. Even removing that one word can make a statement sound less pointed. |
| "Fix" | You need to fix this. | Can you modify this one last tweak to match the QA checklist? | “Fix” implies that the person’s work is bad, broken or wrong. Simple mistakes can easily be corrected, and differences in approach may not require fixing at all, just consensus on to achieve the goal. |
| "Bad" / "Worse" | This turned out worse than I thought. | Can you make updates to this page? I have a few suggestions for how we can take this to the next level, but would love to hear your thoughts first." | Offer the employee a chance to identify places where they can improve. |
| "Late" | Why is this late? | Could I ask you a few questions about how to make the deadline more reasonable, or get your ideas for how to hit the current one. | Usually delays are from unforeseen issues or the task is more complicated than we thought. Or, it was assigned to them at the last minute. “Late” implies that it is the person’s fault or that they were lazy when that usually isn’t the case. |
| "Mistake" | Can you please fix your mistake? | Just flagging, XYZ may need troubleshooting. Could you take another look? | Every employee makes mistakes and we actually encourage mistakes because it means employees are taking risks, innovating and learning. Avoid this word and instead revisit the standard process and policies. |
| "Obey" | They never obey my instructions. | I usually do it this way, but am always open to improving processes. Do you have any suggestions? | Most employees are "at will" and even if they're not, people are not beholden to "obeying" anyone at a company. Just don't say this. |
Remember, creating an open and honest dialogue with your team takes time and effort, but it's well worth it in the end. By taking these steps to build trust and encourage open communication, you can create a more engaged and productive team that's better equipped to tackle challenges and drive results.
