10 ways to know you’re working for a narcissist (and how to handle it)
Over my 18+ year career in marketing startups, I’ve worked directly for 10 CEOs, all white men. I can confidently name the the 4 that were definitely, absolutely, no doubt-about-it narcissists. The other 6 ranged from chaotic neutral, to very decent, to absolutely wonderful managers, mentors, and friends.
But the worst one? I still think about him sometimes. Let’s get into it.
In the startup world, being narcissistic is almost a requirement. The ability to weather hundreds of rejections while fundraising and still fundamentally believe your product will change the world and become a unicorn is just slightly delusional isn’t it?
Most normal people would be crushed under the weight of this rejection/redirection exercise. But we need narcissists to be the unabashed believers in their wild and wacky vision; we need someone to be the shield in the storm; the one who is willing to go out there and still have the ego to believe that they are different and special. The more they feel this way, the more money they raise. It’s weird, I know.
When those people come back home with their spoils, with the seed money or the series A or the new big client, everything can change. All of a sudden they report to someone else, investors, which feels weird, and that pressure cascades down to the team.
Over time, micromanagement becomes an addictive exercise for them and they prevent you from doing your real job by distracting you with pet projects. And when those projects go wrong, they blame you for everything going wrong. Why haven’t you been able to hit the goals this whole time?!
This is so stark if you have the wonderful benefit of reporting directly to them.
I shouldn’t even be giving this advice – I’ve struggled to maintain boundaries and as a “recovering people pleaser” I put my team and my goals above my health for far too many years. Don’t be like me. Protect yourself.
If you've ever had the misfortune of working for a narcissist, you know just how draining and frustrating it can be. Narcissists are notoriously difficult to deal with, and they can make the workplace a toxic and unpleasant environment.
But how do you know if you're working for a narcissist?
If you’ve heard of lovebombing, you know how long people with manipulative tendencies can assume a very consistent, supportive, and caring character for the first 6 months or so. For a few months, I told everyone I genuinely loved the job – and I meant it!
But like a frog in boiling water, small things started turning into bigger things, things got weird, then the gaslighting started. The “I never said that” and “I can’t believe you just said that” and a lot of “that was your idea” and “I’m disappointed” and deflecting blame instead of accepting it.
It only takes 2-3 months of this to know things are now very fucked up, not just your job but also your mind and your confidence. Plus now your reputation is at stake, and you’re stuck partway into a job where you can’t really up and quit without a plan.
Just know that you are not alone, there is an abnormally high percentage of sociopaths and real live narcissists in leadership roles across many industries, and it’s absolutely traumatizing to the people they pick to destroy slowly.
To quote a New England side of the highway billboard in winter, “it’s wicked slippery out there”.
“Wow Karen I’m surprised you haven’t cried yet today!” “HAHAH THANKS DICK”
Here are 10 telltale signs your boss is a narcissist and what it sounds like
Yes, these are all real quotes from the 10 CEOs I’ve worked for over roughly two decades.
1. They always have to be right.
Narcissists have an insatiable need for validation and attention, and they will go to great lengths to prove that they're right, even when they're not. If you find yourself in a constant battle with your boss over who is right or wrong, and even in the face of data they can’t just say “okay what do we do next?” then you might be in a situation where you will find, you’ll never be right.
It sounds like: “Well I just don’t trust this data then.”
“It sounds like it’s more of an execution issue on your end, than the principle because I still believe in it.”
“It doesn’t matter if she’s right or wrong, she’s your boss so she’s always right.”
2. They take credit for your work
Narcissists are notorious for taking credit for other people's work. Maybe it’s revisionist history in their mind, maybe they’re aware they’re doing it, I have no idea. But if your boss is constantly taking credit for your hard work, it may be time to speak up and set the record straight.
It sounds like: “After consideration, we have decided to [do your exact idea you brought up a month ago]. I decided this because…”
“When I talked to the investors about my idea to [your idea]…”
3. They absolutely don’t care about your feelings
Narcissists are so focused on their own needs and desires that they often disregard the feelings of those around them. They may make decisions that benefit themselves at the expense of others, or they may simply ignore the feelings of their coworkers altogether.
It sounds like: “Your problem is you think you’ve contributed anything successful to this company”
“I’m surprised you haven’t cried yet today.”
“Why can’t you be more like [so and so]? They appreciate my guidance and you don’t.”
“Your biggest issue is always going to be your emotions. They are going to get in your way.”
4. They seek attention
Narcissists may engage in attention-seeking behaviors, such as talking loudly, interrupting others, or dominating conversations. But at the same time, they fear embarrassing themselves. They probably won’t take the mic during karaoke, but they’ll happily act as a judge.
It sounds like: “Since so-and-so important person is coming to the office, we’re going to cancel the all-hands and hold a required town hall where they’re going to share their ideas for the future, and you can ask them anything.” Be prepared to listen to their voice for a long time during this fireside “chat” and not quite understand what they’re saying.
5. They never apologize
Narcissists rarely admit when they're wrong, and they almost never apologize unless it’s some kind of manipulation exercise. They see apologizing as a sign of weakness, and they will do whatever it takes to avoid it. If your boss never admits when they're wrong or apologizes for their wrongdoings, it may be a sign that you're working for a narcissist.
It sounds like: “Well I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I can’t believe you’re giving me this feedback right now.”
6. They gaslight you
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own sanity. Narcissists are notorious for gaslighting, and they may use this tactic to control and manipulate their employees.
It sounds like: “I don’t remember it that way.”
“Why haven’t you been doing [xyz thing that they told you not to do 6-12 months earlier]?”
“I’ll take your feedback but you really didn’t need to be so combative about it.”
7. They make everything about them
Narcissists have an insatiable need for attention and validation, and they will often make everything about themselves. They may dominate conversations, turn every topic back to themselves, or make everything a competition.
It sounds like: “I did the research into why this happened on my own, and I’ve made a decision [without consulting the department head].”
“Does anyone have any more questions for me? No? [keeps talking]”
8. They play favorites
Narcissists often play favorites in the workplace, showing preferential treatment to those who they feel can benefit them the most. If you feel like you're constantly competing for your boss's attention or favor, it may be a sign that you're working for a narcissist.
Are they having separate semi-regular meetings with others, even after canceling your official 1:1s?
It sounds like: “I was talking to so-and-so the other day about this, and we decided that…”
9. They belittle others
They often condescend others in order to make themselves feel superior. They may criticize their employees' work, put them down in front of others, or make snide comments about their abilities.
It sounds like: “Just hire more people who are doers and not thinkers. You just need more people to sit at the manufacturing belt and work.”
“Hire people with a little bit of anxiety – they always work the hardest.”
Even though they nitpicked the design and made the projects 3 weeks late, they opened the launch message on Slack to the general channel with “I’m disappointed we didn’t launch on time.”
10. They never take responsibility
Whether it’s the economy, a "crazy person on their team” (that they hired), or engineering’s fault, they may blame others for their mistakes, make excuses for their behavior, or simply deny that they did anything wrong.
If your boss never takes responsibility for their actions, including just plain poor leadership, it’s going to start to feel like you can never do right. It can also mean the opposite: Despite a tough economy, a clueless boss will think the goals are still achievable – even after “tightening our belts” and zero-ing out budgets.
It sounds like: “YOU set these goals. You’re responsible for hitting them, despite denial of resources or macro economic realities.”
“Because we didn’t the goals, you are being laid off.” [But I am keeping my paycheck]
How to handle working for a narcissist
If you find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do to make the situation more bearable. Here are some tips:
Try not to ruminate. Playing scenarios over and over in your mind where you’re thinking, “why did they say that? what should I have done differently?” Usually, dear reader, it’s nothing you could have done. Rumination can kill you if you let it take over your mind. Learn how to shift your attention in the moment, and affirm to yourself that you did the right things. Watch this video on rumination from Dr Ramini. Meditation can also help you learn how to dial down the volume of your thoughts and return to your breath. This enables you to regain control of the reins of your mind more easily.
Set boundaries. Establish clear boundaries for yourself and maintain them without fanfare. This can include setting limits on your availability, being clear about your role and responsibilities, and communicating your needs in a clear and direct manner. Consistency is the most important part, because once you set a precedent, like responding to texts late at night, you will have a difficult time walking that back.
Focus on your own well-being. It's important to prioritize your own self-care and wellness in any situation, but especially in a fast-paced startup with a “commander” personality type at the helm. This can include taking breaks when you need them, seeking support from friends and family, exercising, and engaging in activities that bring you joy outside of work.
Document everything. Keep detailed records of your interactions with your narcissistic boss, including emails, meeting notes, and performance evaluations. This can help protect you in case of any future conflicts or disputes. I always fail to do this from the beginning, thinking, “it couldn’t happen again.” It’s not about whether your workplace might turn out to be toxic… Instead, think of it as your duty to keep a private “incident” document where you can jot down inappropriate behavior at work that affects you. It’s your due diligence and your insurance, and you’ll be thankful you have names, quotes that were fresh in your mind, and specific dates. This trail of evidence is valuable. if you think of it as just as, your own administrative overhead of your career, just like keeping your resume up to date, then you won’t resent doing it.
Find a mentor or support system. Seek out a mentor, therapist, industry chat group, or support system within your organization who can provide guidance and advice on how to navigate the challenging dynamics of working for a hard-charging boss.
Consider leaving. If the situation becomes too toxic or unbearable, it may be necessary to consider leaving the job. Remember, you are not your job. Before doing so, it's important to have a plan in place, such as finding another job or developing a financial safety net. Make a deliberate plan – even if that’s taking time off to heal – before you resign.
Does being a “grey rock” work at work?
With remote work especially, out of sight can also mean out of mind. When you’re dealing with someone irrational like a narcissist, they’re going to assume you’re either not working or not collaborative. This is why they’re so frustrating – because everything will feel like a double-edged sword, and they’ll argue the finer points until you’re drowning in a sea of red herrings.
Good employees will feel this the hardest – you manage your goals, you’re proactive, you have great ideas, you’re working!
Try BIFF instead
When we get spoken to in a way that feels insulting, we’re going to start feeling a lil riled up. Usually the best response is none at all, but we know that that’s impossible at work. If your boss’ is starting to get hostile, public, and uh - creative with their statements, you can put a stop to it with a clear clarification of fact.
According to the High Conflict Institute, author Bill Eddy says:
In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If you need to respond, I recommend a BIFF Response®: Be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.
If you need to respond again, keep it even briefer and do not emotionally engage. In fact, it often helps to just repeat the key information using the same words.
The best advice I can give is to continue to do your best work and be a great team member with transparent, frequent, public-channel-visible communication that is always positive. This enables you to protect your relationships with your coworkers, who are going to be more impactful in helping you be productive while you figure out what to do next.
And, remember that when people are mean, it’s because of them, and as much as they eff with you, they can’t destroy you. In the moment, remember that.
Picture them wearing a diaper if it helps, and try to let it slide. Laugh at it a little in your head... Feel some pity for them. It will help you feel control of your emotions in the moment when you need to keep your cool.
The more you can let it slide off your back like a frivolous otter, the less it will impact you.
You will know when you need to move on and protect yourself, and what’s “tolerable” or manageable for more time. Good luck.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, and I know how damaging it can be on the psyche. Do what’s right for yourself and remember, don’t let it get so bad that you do something you’ll regret. Be aware of these issues from the beginning and take measures to mentally and physically set work boundaries.
