Giving and receiving feedback: part art, part restraint
Why we need a safe work culture of two-way feedback
Feedback is an essential aspect of personal and professional growth, both for employees and managers. It is a tool that can be used to improve performance, relationships, and overall effectiveness. It can also be a weapon. Or a source of misunderstanding. Or a lever for growth.
When done correctly, feedback can motivate, inspire, and lead to positive changes. When done poorly, it can turn against you: you become the bad cop, and it will be extremely difficult for a manager to lose that reputation.
When feedback is weekly, open, safe, and objective, it loses its power. Feedback becomes part of the culture, and it can be treated as data on how to improve the system, rather than a personal source of blame.
An “integrated culture of feedback” relies on the system to provide it, not agenda items
“Feedback” doesn’t need an agenda bullet point. It’s part of the review of the project. The more integrated it is into operations, the less weight it will have.
Most employees self-inflict feedback. If they aren’t already a project manager, teach them how to collect data on their contributions. If they’re passionate about their work and intrinsically motivated, they’ll be able to review their own work (if it’s in their zone of expertise) and see where they would do better next time. This is an inherent part of people’s natural ambitions. Most of the time, pointing out where they messed up just builds resentment.
Peer collaboration > peer review. Building checks and balances through peer review can be powerful, but can also lead to the exact opposite effect of what we want feedback to do.
Instead of having editors score staff writers, have editors hold a masterclass with a small group of writers to improve one collective concept, like writing intros, improving pages, using stats correctly, or other topics to boost everyone’s strengths.
How feedback can backfire
Harvard Business Review dives into why a culture of harsh, direct feedback can backfire:
“First, research shows that people can’t reliably rate the performance of others: More than 50% of your rating of someone reflects your characteristics, not hers.
Second, neuroscience reveals that criticism provokes the brain’s “fight or flight” response and inhibits learning.
Last, excellence looks different for each individual, so it can’t be defined in advance and transferred from one person to another. It’s also not the opposite of failure. Managers will never produce great performance by identifying what they think is failure and telling people how to correct it.”
Understanding the types of feedback
Feedback can be categorized into three main types: positive, negative, and constructive.
Positive feedback is used to recognize and reinforce good behavior. It should be the most used! 99% of your feedback should be versions of “AMAZING”.
Positive feedback loops are like exacerbation flywheels: Basically, the more positive feedback on something, the more willing and apt the employee is to want to keep improving.
It essentially means, “the more of Thing 1, the more of Thing 2, and the more of Thing 2, the more of Thing 1, and so on.” EG: the more you tell someone they suck at design, the worse they’ll seem to get at it.
If you’re unsure, start with a question: “please tell us how you did this!” and “wow, how is this going to beat the competition and help our users?”
Check this Wikipedia entry out about how positive feedback loops impact psychology: “Winner (1996) described gifted children as driven by positive feedback loops involving setting their own learning course, this feeding back satisfaction, thus further setting their learning goals to higher levels and so on. Winner termed this positive feedback loop as a "rage to master."
RAGE TO MASTER?! What an incredible label. Imagine your employees “raging to master” their skills and all you have to do is get out of their way. Wow.
Negative feedback is used to discourage bad behavior, but honestly I’m not sure when you need to use it. Typically, people are aware of when they are making mistakes. Your job as a manager is to help ask curious questions about why, and what they’re going to do next to fix it.
Positive feedback loops can also lead to negative outcomes.
Constructive feedback is used to help individuals improve their performance by identifying specific areas for development. Here’s how:
The fundamentals of giving & receiving feedback
So you can’t deliver the feedback through the system. The person is not self-aware that there is an opportunity for improvement.
Giving feedback is not easy, and it requires practice and skill. To give feedback effectively, you must start with the right mindset. It would help if you had a positive attitude, a willingness to help, and a clear understanding of the person's strengths and weaknesses.
If you go into it with a list of criticisms you want to deliver, you likely won’t get the effect you’re looking for.
Set the right tone. Start positively and frame feedback as an opportunity. The compliment sandwich is outdated, but the premise works: Overall, the employee is growing and developing, and feedback is part of an overall successful journey toward leveling up.
Do it weekly. A two-way culture of open, frequent and objective feedback means it won’t be weird or personal or heavy when it happens.
Praise in public, criticism in private. Resist the urge to tell the team “you’re disappointed” in a public slack channel. Are you their dad? No? Then hold a retro like a big kid, gather blameless data on what went wrong, and take action to course correct. If you’re a decent manager, you’ll also take responsibility for what went wrong, because you are in charge.
Use specific examples. Generalizations are going to fall on deaf ears. You need to describe examples, and how they impact other people on their team.
Be objective. Who cares if they’re doing something differently than you would? Take your opinion out of the process.
Focus on the behavior rather than the person. Provide context for why the company does or doesn’t do whatever it is, and be ready to ask for and listen for feedback on that policy or process.
Do’s and definitely don’ts of feedback
The dos of giving feedback include being specific, focusing on the behavior, being timely, and providing actionable steps for improvement.
The don'ts of giving feedback include being vague, using judgmental language, and attacking the person's character.
I have a sticky note on my monitor that says “The SACRED PAUSE” to remind me to stop and listen intently.
Don’t be vague. Be specific and provide examples.
No: “You never disagree and commit.”
Yes: “I take responsibility for not giving you enough context behind why we cut your budget and made different strategic decisions at the leadership level than the data showed.”
Don’t attack the person’s character. They are a product of their age and their experience.
No: “A 26-year-old actually doesn’t get their adult brain for a few more years, so you are literally still a child trying to act like an adult and it’s not working.”
Yes: “I’m honored that you want to augment your skill gaps with my industry experience. Can we discuss the guidelines for when you’d like me to share when something is in my wheelhouse? Thank you for trusting my recommendations as an expert in this role.”
Listen actively. Pay attention to the person giving feedback and actively listen to what they are saying.
No: Don’t squirm, look away, laugh, shake your head, interject, or otherwise be immature.
Yes: Sit, look them in the eyes, nod, listen, and empathize.
Stay open-minded. Be open to receiving feedback, even if it is critical or not what you were hoping to hear.
No: “I would have done it this other way.”
Yes: “Can you show me why you tackled it this way?”
Don't get defensive. Try not to take feedback personally or become defensive. Instead, take a step back and try to see the feedback as an opportunity for growth.
No: “I have literally never had anyone say that to me.”
Yes: “Since this is the first time I’m hearing this, I want to fully understand your feelings behind it. Can you share more so I can learn?”
Ask questions. If you don't fully understand the feedback, ask questions for clarification.
No: “What does that even mean?”
Yes: “Can you give me an example?”
Take notes. Taking notes during the feedback session can help you remember the feedback and reference it later.
Reflect on the feedback. Take some time to reflect on the feedback you received and how you can use it to improve.
No: “I consider myself self-aware.”
Yes: “Perhaps I have some things I need to reflect on that I hadn’t considered before.”
Appreciate the feedback. Show appreciation for the feedback, even if it was difficult to hear.
No: “I’m sorry you feel this way.”
Yes: “Thank you for your honesty, I know this was hard to share. I want you to know you can always come to me with feedback even if it’s uncomfortable or you are afraid you might hurt someone. I will never react without completely hearing you out and seeking to understand the issue fully first.”
Don't react impulsively. Avoid reacting impulsively to feedback, especially if you feel emotional. Take time to process the feedback before responding.
No: “Well since I didn’t like this feedback, I am not sure we can work together.”
Yes: “Our diversity of thought and experience is our strength as a team. I will think about this and share a more thoughtful response this week. In the meantime, know that I hear you.”
Follow up. Consider following up with the person who gave you feedback to show that you have taken their comments on board.
No: “I heard you weren’t happy about the budget decision.”
Yes: “I received and read your narrative. When do you want to talk about it? How about Wednesday?”
Practice, practice, practice. Receiving feedback can be challenging, but with practice, you can get better at it. Make this a regular part of every 1:1 and it will become easier with time.
Trust your employee. You hired them for a reason. If your first instinct is to disagree with everything they say, or to say “no” to things just because you don’t understand, you are doing them a disservice. Their trust must be earned, your trust must be given.
Plan your feedback process beforehand
The feedback process involves four stages: preparation, delivery, response, and follow-up.
In the preparation stage, you need to gather information, plan your feedback, and set a positive tone. In the delivery stage, you need to provide your feedback using the right language and tone. In the response stage, you need to listen actively, clarify any misunderstandings, and ask for feedback. Finally, in the follow-up stage, you need to provide ongoing support and encouragement, especially during your weekly one-on-one meetings.
Circle back to the issue in your 1:1 and ask openly, “how are you feeling about it now? What do you plan to do next? How can I help?”
Giving feedback is an essential skill that can help individuals improve their performance, relationships, and overall effectiveness. Or, it can make your employees queasy every time they enter the zoom.
Integration is still the best answer
It’s amazing how self-motivated employees can ambitiously level themselves up and all you need to do is provide support, remove roadblocks, and ask the right questions.
By relying on your system, team, and principles, a self-aware and driven employee will be able to grow and develop with very little intervention.
Should you need to have straight chat, the key is showing restraint against reacting emotionally so you can inspire, motivate, and lead to positive changes. Follow the guidelines outlined in this comprehensive guide, and you will be well on your way to becoming an effective feedback provider.
