Reactance Theory at work

Don’t tell me what to do

No one wants to be told what to do.

So much so, that our brains almost have an equal-and-opposite reaction when getting instructions from people in positions of authority.

Authors Stendl et al in their report, “Understanding Psychological Reactance”, even go on to say that our response is basically fight or flight related:

Reactance is an unpleasant motivational arousal that emerges when people experience a threat to or loss of their free behaviors. It serves as a motivator to restore one’s freedom. The amount of reactance depends on the importance of the threatened freedom and the perceived magnitude of the threat.

This is often why people who give tips on “managing up” say to make your idea seem like it was the boss’ idea the whole time. This is for supervisors who love their own ideas.

And if you’re the boss, don’t be surprised if your employees start to resent your directives. Instead, make it their idea.

In high school, each time my mom popped her head in my room to tell me “it’s a perfect time to go on a run,” I would seriously respond with “don’t tell me what to do!” suddenly I’d feel demotivated, even if I was planning on a run anyway.

But when a girlfriend calls and asks if I want to go on a run… my response is heck yeaaa!

This appears at work as

I tell Ashley for 6 months to do something, and why, in various ways.

She finally says one day as if it’s new information, “Dave told me this great idea….”

In my head I’m thinking, “wow, I have been harping on this for months.”

Out of my mouth, I say, “wow Dave seems like a great mentor. What if you set up a mentorship quarterly with him?”

Then I’m thanking Dave for having some peer influence, and I get a reaction much faster, plus Ashley feels ownership over the idea.

People often talk about “asking leading questions,” and this is why. If you can plant a seed where the person finishes the sentence themselves, like a hot potato who touched it last, it’s now theirs to realize and become self-aware over.

This is how breakthroughs in prioritization happen, and it’s sometimes a result of you avoiding direct direction.